Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Things to Do With a Tennis Ball

Tennis Balls are useful objects.  Here are a few things you can do with them.

1.  Courtship facilitator.  Tennis is good for your lungs and heart, but probably a bit hard on your knees.  I recommend it to young skinny people as a useful tool in the courting ritual.  Tennis will show you not only what your intended looks like in white shorts, but also whether your future spouse will play fair in a fight.  If you're dating and your boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter) slams the ball hard across your knees and then grins as he or she reminds you how badly you are losing, then you might want to find a new tennis partner, if you know what I mean.

2.  Sliders for old people's walkers.  If you cut a short gash in a tennis ball, you can slip it over the legs of a walker or cane and provide that just right level of traction that no plastic knob or vinyl slider will ever be able to reproduce.  It's the hairy surface that allows for that perfect resistance as it slides.  Laugh, but this tip could save you a broken hip some day.

3.  Doggie play toy.  Nothing works better for teaching a dog to fetch than a tennis ball.  Some dogs retain a tennis ball in their play area for just this purpose.  Not mine, of course. Daisy, our toothy Borador, can reduce a tennis ball to shreds in less than 4 minutes. She poops hairy yellow turds for days afterwards.  But for most dogs, a tennis ball is endless retrieving joy.  Just get yourself a rubber glove for handling the slobbery thing.

4.  Automobile radio aerial bumper.  I've seen mobile amateur radio and CB radio owners stick a tennis ball on the top of their whip antennas to reduce the force of impact of the aerial on any light fixtures or thin metal structures they pass under if they forget to check the clearance first.  It's one of those idiot-proofing deals for which a tennis ball is uniquely suited.

5.  Frisbee (TM) retrieval device.  A tennis ball, because it is usually found in the yard where you are playing Frisbee with your dog, makes a handy thing for throwing at a flying disk that you've managed to stick in a tree. It can also be used for kite retrieval, underwear retrieval (don't ask) and for loosening a dangling broken limb. Because it is small it can be delivered with unusual force on target and if you miss, will probably not kill anyone as would an anvil or a rock should you throw one of them up into a tree.  Remember: "What goes up must come down."  How much better that it should be a nice bouncy tennis ball that whacks you in the head than a small boulder, 2x4 or lug wrench.

(c) 2010 by Tom King